The Utterly Ridiculous Tale of How I Became a Lokean

Picture it: the Delaware Valley, 2012…

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It was during the roaring Marvel Cineverse Zeitgeist. I didn’t really care for Tom Hiddleston’s face, but damn if an angry scapegoated child (ugh, the horns) didn’t eventually get to me on some profound level. I also had a bad habit of reading fanfiction involving…uh. Really specific tropes. That are mythologically canon.

I’m talking about How is Horse Babby Formed.

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Fight me, you greasy bitch.

Between really creepy fangirls and bad fic research, though, I decided I was going to write a well-researched but absurdist fic for the purposes of trolling the fandom. I had nearly boundless options, but, because I’m a one-trick pony, I apparently just had to go and choose How is Horse Babby Formed.

Thor fought an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Odin and Loki kinkshamed each other for a full page, as is the time-honored tradition. Beck–yes, that Beck–lived in Loki’s closet, because he liked the acoustics. Also, he had stitch-n-bitch sessions with Thor. They knitted Sleipnir a soccer jersey. Odin gave Loki a bit gag at the baby shower. It was glorious.

…and I never finished it.

In between brainstorming horrendous puns and dutifully checking the actual mythology, I had picked up an even worse habit of trolling Omegle, roleplaying as Sleipnir in the “Loki” tag and yelling “MOM IT’S ME” at every single match. This usually either made people extremely mad (mission accomplished!) or led to becoming Tumblr mutuals. (Awkward!)

I’d been aware that Ásatrú was a thing for a while, but had some serious baggage to unpack about it. I was also vaguely aware that Lokeans were a thing, but this was the week following Spongecakegate, so the Tumblr tag was…in a strange state at the time.

I definitely remember someone posting pictures of a horse penis in the tag, is what I’m saying.

Yeah.

So, in the process of Slippytrolling, on a day where my dad said out loud that he hoped I would drop my interest in Norse Mythology as soon as possible (HAH. HAHAHA.), I eventually stumbled on a real live Lokean! On the internet! I had a lot of questions. Specifically, “Why is everyone trying to bone Cosmic Hiddlesypiddles, and also, why is there horse dingus in your tag, you frickin’ weirdos?”

Turns out that had been a troll, and horse jokes were a subject of debate. Alright, so maybe these Lokeans weren’t so weird after all. I mean, as far as people who quarrel about pastry go. But foodies pick bizarre fights too, no big deal.

Omegle conversations led to me ending up on that Spongecake Chat, and after realizing this religion had a built in community where everyone was at least kind of odd, I got a boost of confidence. Kinda like what my ex said Rave culture was like when it was good, except nobody was thizzing (hopefully) or smearing Vicks on each other. I figured, fuck it, I’ll make my first offering. Loki likes sweets, right? It’s 3 am, but I’ve got some brownie mix.

This is also sort of the story of the time I almost fell into my oven in the wee hours of the morning.

Brownies were finally finished, and I suddenly realized I had no idea if this deity I was literally inviting into my kitchen was particular about them. Corner pieces? Edge pieces? Or the weird gooey middle part? I stuck out my hand, hoping some Weird Pagan Shit would happen. I got some vague vibe in favor of corner pieces, but I just plated a little bit of each and set them on the table by my laptop, since there was no altar set up yet. How do offerings even work? Do I just let the food…sit there? Someone recommend contemplatively eating them. Really, really slowly. So I did that.

I had never eaten a brownie slowly in my life. It was weird.

3AM rolled around, and upon realizing I had stayed up all night doing Weird Pagan Shit, I decided to go to bed. I stuck the remaining brownies in the fridge so other people could try them, packed up my laptop, and was in the process of stepping out of the kitchen when I heard a CD fall.

It was 2012 and I’m a bit of a Luddite. Stay with me.

The boom box was across the room from me and the CDs had been stable in their stack on top of it, I thought. But this seemed exactly like the kind of thing Loki would do, to my limited knowledge. It was one of my albums, so I picked it up to flip it over and make sure the case didn’t crack.

Tori Amos’s Little Earthquakes.

Well that’s weird, considering I was thinking about Sigyn on my way out of the room. But it wasn’t damaged, so I put the CD back on the boombox, willing it to stay in place, and headed upstairs.

And then somehow, despite Astral Babygate, and the Mjölnir Panty Raid, Ruining Polytheism and a bunch of other overblown, weird controversies that escaped my attention, I somehow stuck around for 7 whole years other than the fugue that ended with a lot of–to me–proof that the gods were very much real. And then got nudged into a positive in-person community, and rapidly expanded my practice. And then swore a whole damn pledge. And I’m not seeing any signs of stopping. Not that I am allowed to, anyway. Because pledge. But I’m not planning to, either.

Happy Heath-a-versary to me.

For Funsies: Nordic Music Recs

Just three quick housekeeping notes, since it’s the first of the month: comments no longer require approval (which was probably already obvious), I updated the about page (I have a face sometimes!), and the tag system has been reworked. That’s basically everything.

Housekeeping is super boring though. So, I figured I’d post something fun to make up for it.

Folk music is a big part of my life, because my parents would take me to the Philadelphia Folk Festival every August. Now I scream “this is my song!” every time I hear a hurdy-gurdy. It’s genuinely ridiculous.

Since this is a Norse-y Heathen blog, I’m picking out my favorite folk music bands from the Nordic countries to share. Few of these bands use instruments that would have existed in the Viking age, as most of the aesthetic we classify as “folk” is comparatively recent. But I’ve always found music to be an effective way to convey culture, and it’s motivated me to learn languages in order to better appreciate certain poetic flourishes. Plus, some of them are just plain fun.

Eivør

Eivør is from the Faroe Islands, and her vocals are a little like Kate Bush. (Fittingly, she’s covered “Hounds of Love.”) She works some serious magic with a frame drum, maybe literally. Like, if you told me Eivør practiced seiðr I would absolutely believe you. She’s a classically trained singer, and has performed at Frostrosir, a yearly Christmas concert in Iceland. She also sings in English and Icelandic. Also, if you watch The Last Kingdom you’ll recognize her voice immediately.

This song in particular has been making the rounds in a lot of online Heathen spaces, probably because she sounds bewitchingly ancient in it. (Fitting, because the title is Faroese for “Spellbound.”)

Valravn

This band is also from the Faroe Islands. Valravn leans more folktronic, and is regrettably no longer in action. Many of their songs are modern takes on folk songs, and they even have one based on part of the saga of Ragnar Loðbrok, “Kraka.” This one, “Kelling” is my favorite, because the strings and synths give it an amazing texture. (Plus, they yell at you to get up and dance, so now you gotta. It’s the law.)

Hedningarna

This is a Swedish-Finnish band whose name means “The Heathens.” This one is heavy on traditional instruments, but isn’t afraid to throw in some equally heavy rock drums or electric guitar–or electric fiddle. Some of my favorites are “Räven,” a song about a Huldra, and “Vargtimmen,” which was covered by Finntroll. They’ve also collaborated with Wimme Saari.

I like this song in particular, because it’s about refusing to cut down trees, and man, it’s a banger with a weird time signature.

Wimme

Since I mentioned Wimme Saari, and I think he’s super neat, I’m giving him his own place on the list. Wimme is a Saami musician from Finland, whose style combines electronic beats with joik–an improvisational and often wordless style of song distinct to the Saami.

As mentioned, he’s also collaborated with Hedningarna for the song “Tuuli.”

Hoven Droven

Hoven Droven is a Swedish band whose name roughly translates to “Helter Skelter” or “whatever.” (Which is…an odd nuance to keep up with, as an English speaker.) Their specialty is hard rock arrangements of old Swedish folk tunes. Two of the members of Hoven Droven now form the rhythm section of Triakel, which is fronted by Emma Härdelin of Garmarna.

This is one of my top five Hoven Droven songs, because I feel like it exemplifies their style really well.

The Hoard

Paganism makes you hoard weird things. Heathenry even more so, probably, because we tend to take our cues from Vikings. And Vikings loved shiny things so much, I’m still not entirely sure they’re not just tall, wingless magpies.

Raiding Dublin is for the birds, is what I’m saying.

I think anyone with vaguely woo leanings is going to pick up a crystal at some point, if only because they’re pretty. Add in a witchy bent, and hag stones, jars (ye gods, the jars) and cool sticks are soon to follow.

Also, I have a dog, so sticks are an inevitability.

In the last 5 years since converting, I’ve collected:

  • Acorns
  • Jars
  • Rusty nails
  • Bits of wax
  • More tealight tins than you can shake a stick at
  • Joker cards
  • Maple leaves
  • Juniper branches and berries
  • Juniper twigs (which are now hair sticks)
  • Oak leaves
  • Hag stones
  • Vaguely heart shaped stones
  • A weirdly eroded river stone that looks straight up volcanic
  • Any bright orange stone I find
  • Railroad coke (the fuel, not the drink. Or the powder.)
  • Tangled fishing line
  • Turtle shells
  • Mardi Gras beads (I had a lot of gold ones. Gullveig did not flash me for them.)
  • An owl pellet
  • little bones
  • A buck’s skull, whose antlers were sawed off (my avatar, in fact)
  • Ferns
  • Dandelions galore
  • Little purple flowers of any variety (since Loki had me pick one for Sigyn)
  • A kaun-shaped twig that fell out of my patio Ash tree. Yes, the falcon one. I felt personally attacked.
  • Grape vines
  • Beer cans (for recycling, as a favor to the landvættir)
  • Bus tokens (from the landvættir)
  • Crystals
  • Mint tins
  • scarves
  • Spiralbound notebook wire for bracelets
  • Folded origami boxes
  • A multipurpose chess board
  • A magnetic chess set, missing all the pieces (makes good lighter storage, though)
  • Bowls. So many bowls.
  • FEATHERS.

The feathers. It’s kind of ridiculous. I had a vaguely feathery association for Loki early on ’cause of the weird falcon thing, but when I had a landscaping/dogwalking job the feathers would pop up constantly. Including a peacock feather at the dog park nobody else spotted.

To my knowledge, we don’t have anyone raising peacocks in the immediate area. Most of the homesteaders here prefer chickens and guineafowl. So that’s already weird. Either way, who doesn’t notice a peacock feather? That’s some ridiculousness.

Finding Asatru stuff be like

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SOMETHING RACIST

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MORE RACIST

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some Wiccan stuff

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ANCIENT WEBSITE FULL OF

DEAD LINKS

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OH LOOK SOME MORE RACISM

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